senior year is eating me up slowly. frankly, the weekend was horrid. incessant worthless thoughs were filling up every inch of my brian. mopping around the house was not the ideal way of spending the weekend. instead of doing something productive with the already inadequate 'free' time i have, i spent a large portion of it diminishing any positive thought concering my studies. my flow of thoughts have been increasingly pessimistic. i miss that optimistic behaviour that has once ruled my life. the cynic monster has been growing alarmingly large. its not ok when i say it is. my words have double standards. irritating but true. deal with it girl.

i dream of escaping. creating a new life for awhile. ceasing to exist as victoria. a place where it is different. disregarding my responsibilities. leaving for a year. yet i cannot seem to put everything down. everything that is connected to me. a tight knot that bounds me to everything and everyone that i care about. the thing about me is that i always look back, thoughts of regret fills my mind everytime i make a decision. what if i had gone the other way? what if it had turn out to be something else. i dont like to miss a thing yet somehow i always do.